The Truth About Relationship Violence
No one expects to be hurt by the person they are dating. No one wants to believe that their relationship may be unhealthy or abusive. Yet as many as 53% of college students have experienced at least one incident of dating violence. College-age women, ages 16-24, are the most likely victims of intimate partner violence but no group is immune to its effects. Violence happens in all kinds of relationships, between people of all classes, cultures, religions, and sexual orientations. By knowing the facts, you can help keep yourself safe and make a positive difference to those around you.
Myths and Misconceptions Myth: Relationship violence is usually a one-time occurrence. If the perpetrator is remorseful, he/she probably won’t do it again. Fact: Relationship violence can easily become a pattern. The following three stage pattern shows how love, hope, and fear all help keep the cycle in motion:
- Stage 1: Tension Building: In this phase, one or both partners may feel that they are “walking on eggshells.” Communication may be decreased or impaired, and issues may be left unresolved. Arguments or criticism may increase. This phase may last a week , a month, or even a year. This phase becomes more frequent as the cycle of violence repeats itself.
- Stage 2: Violence: As tension builds, physical violence can erupt as one partner loses the desire or ability to manage his/her anger. Tension is released and the relationship may seem to improve. The violent partner may temporarily feel better after releasing his/her anger, thus reinforcing this pattern of behavior.
- Stage 3: Honeymoon/Seduction: In this phase, it is tempting to believe that this was a one-time occurrence, something that will never happen again. This phase is characterized by remorse on the part of the perpetrator. There is often renewed hope that the relationship will change for the better.
Myth: Some people deserve to be hit (aka “I asked for it”)
Fact: No one deserves to be abused. It doesn’t matter what you do – it does not justify an act of violence. The only person responsible for the abuse is the abuser.
Myth: Alcohol, drugs, or mental illness cause relationship violence
Fact: Alcohol, drugs, and mental illness do not cause violence, although an abuser will sometimes use these as excuses to justify his/her actions. Violence typically happens when an abuser has learned and chooses to abuse.
Myth: Love and abuse cannot co-exist in a relationship. If we love each other, this must not be abuse.
Fact: In violent relationships, the partners usually do love each other. Most abusers will act in a caring, loving manner some of the time.
Myth: This is normal in relationships
Fact: Violence is never part of a healthy relationship. Even if you grew up in a home where there was violence, know that violence is never a normal or acceptable behavior.
Early Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship
- Your partner “puts down” your goals or accomplishments.
- Your partner prevents you from doing things you want to do.
- Your partner limits the time you spend with family or friends.
- Your partner blames his/her behavior on drugs or alcohol.
- Your partner blames others for his/her problems and feelings.
- Your partner is jealous and controlling.
- Your partner uses coercion or force during arguments.
- You feel scared of how your partner may act.
- You try not to do anything that may cause conflict.
- You spend more time doing what your partner wants than what you want.
- You find yourself making excuses to others for your partner’s behavior.
If you recognize these warning signs and want to make changes in your relationship, check out the
“Information for Survivors” page and the
Campus and Community Resourcespage.
You do not have to deal with this alone!
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